Kiba in Wonderland
by Infinite Katalyst
Summary: Kiba's fallen down a rabbit hole. Crack Fic!


Kiba had returned from an extensive mission a little earlier than he'd expected, so he decided to surprise Hinata. He opened the door to the home they shared as slowly and quietly as he could. It wasn't necessary, because when he went into the living room he saw Hinata...making out with Gaara. Yup, she was definitely surprised.

"K-Kiba..." she stammered. "I thought you wouldn't be home for another day."

"I got home early," he said tersely.

"Well, we got that," Gaara stated.

"Shut it, ya woman snatcher!" Kiba yelled irritably.

"Hey, she came to me," Gaara said innocently.

"Oh, so I'm not good enough for you, but Gaara is? Seriously?"

Hinata shrugged.

"Now, are there going to be any more problems?" Gaara asked as he drew sand from his gourd.

"Your sand doesn't scare me! I've got a giant dog! Sic him, Akamaru!" Kiba looked around for Akamaru, only to find him hiding under the couch. However, due to his large size, the dog wasn't under the couch, the couch was on top of the dog.

"N-never mind. She's yours! Bang her as much as you want! I'm out." With that, he left. Gaara looked at Hinata and raised an eyebrow, fully intending to do what Kiba had said.

Later, Kiba went to a bar to have a drink or two. After a while, he went into the men's bathroom, only to find Shino and Lee doing it on the floor without pause.

"Oh my god! Oh my god! I think I just went blind..." Kiba yelled as he tried not to vomit.

After exiting the restroom, he noticed that everything was different. Actually, everything seemed...medieval.

"What's going on?" Kiba asked the nearest random person.

"Everything's the same as it has been," the person stated while staring at him quizzically.

"Could you explain it to me anyway?"

"Well, King Naruto is still the King. And Queen Sakura keeps running around in the hills with their kids singing 'The Hills Are Alive'. We think she's on crack. And for some reason they put Princess Ino in a tower. Although, I have no idea how she's a Princess, because she's not even their kid!"

"O...k..." Kiba said, looking quite confused. He turned around to order another drink from the bartender. However, when he turned around, the bartender was Tenten. She was wearing an old fashioned bar maid dress, and her stomach slightly protruded from it.

"Tenten? What're you doing here?"

"Huh? Oh, Neji and I own this place," Tenten said.

"Oh...I'm so confused..." Kiba said to himself. He turned around and bumped into Neji.

"Would you like to buy a seahorse?" Neji asked awkwardly.

"No, Neji, I don't want your seahorse."

"Ok. How about some magic beans?"

"Sure, Neji, I'll take your magic beans," Kiba said. "Anyway, what happened to the tool shop?"

"When we started having kids, we realized having a bunch of toddlers around sharp weapons wasn't very safe. So, we opened 'The Hyuga's Bar and Seahorse Farm'. That seems safer, right?" Tenten said.

"I suppose. Speaking of magic beans, how many kids ya got there?" Kiba asked, eyeing 6 or 7 rambunctious children.

"Oh, let's see...there's Destiny, Peace, Love, Joy, Faith, Hope, and Zen. And Tenten's pregnant with our eighth child. It's a boy, so we're going to name him Goat. Because we're very fond of our goat. The kids named him Horny," Neji said, trying to remember all the kids' names.

"Goat?" Kiba asked. He turned around to see that there was in fact a goat. It baaa'd at him loudly.

"Ok. Well, this was nice-ish, so I guess I'll leave-ish," said Kiba.

"Remember to water your beans!" Tenten called after him. He walked out of the bar, still not quite sure about what was going on or what he should be doing. He walked past a street corner where Kakashi stood.

"Wanna buy a duck?" he asked brightly.

"What is it with you people?!" Kiba shouted frustratedly.

"Two for $5?"

"Leave me alone!" Kiba yelled. He continued walking until he'd left the quaint town. Then he remembered about the beans and how Tenten had told him to water them.

"Eh, why not?" he thought. He took out the beans, set them on the ground, and watered them. To his surprise, the beans grew into Akamaru.

"What the F***?" Akamaru asked, looking around. "One minute I was playing with Mr. Chew Chew, and the next minute I was here. How'd I get here?"

"I think you just grew out of beans. Or maybe you got sent here by the beans. I don't know," Kiba said.

"Whatever. Is there something we're supposed to be doing?"

"I think I might just go and rescue Princess Ino from her tower. No one deserves to be locked up like that. Also, she has a nice rack," Kiba said, his cheeks slightly red. With that, Kiba jumped onto the large dog's back, and Akamaru started sprinting in the general direction of the Castle that held Ino's Tower. After a while, they realized they had been going in a circle the whole time, and Akamaru had to stop and pee. While he was doing so, Kiba had spotted a large hole in the ground and went over to check it out.

"I wonder how deep this is," Kiba said to himself.

"Why don't you find out?" Akamaru said from behind him. This startled Kiba and sent him tumbling down the hole with a loud, girlish scream.

Kiba looked up to the top where Akamaru was still standing, wagging his tail.

"Thanks a lot! Now I'm stuck down here!" Kiba yelled up to him.

"You're welcome!" Akamaru yelled back. Kiba stood up to look around. Seeing an exit, he went through it, and stepped into a strange place with odd colors and exotic creatures.

"Where am I? Oh Hell No! I'm in Wonderland..."

"Well this just keeps getting weirder and weirder." Akamaru said as he walked up next to his owner.

"There's some kind of tea party over there. Let's see if those people can tell us how to get out of here." The two walked over to the little tea party. Sitting at the table was Jiraiya as the Mad Hatter, Shikamaru as the Dormouse, Tsunade as the Red Queen, and Anko as the March Hare.

"Y'know, I can see you wearing bunny ears, but not like this," Kiba said to Anko.

"What, these? I wear them all the time. Iruka loves 'em!" said Anko. Kiba's eye twitched.

"Shouldn't Alice be here instead of the Red Queen?" Akamaru asked.

"Yeah, where is Alice?" asked Kiba as he looked around.

"Um..." Tsunade said nervously. "I don't know. But I didn't cut her head off or anything."

"Uh...ok. Anyway, Jiraiya-" Kiba started

"It's the Mad Hatter! Does no one see the hat?" Jiraiya stated loudly.

"Trust me, we can all see it. It's like asking a guy if he doesn't stare at Tsunade's boobs," said Anko.

"What? Sorry. I was staring at Tsunade's boobs," Jiraiya said blankly.

"_Anyway_, does anyone know how to get out of here?" Kiba asked.

"Oh yeah, there's a door somewhere over there," Tsunade said, pointing. Kiba and Akamaru quickly headed for this door, while Jiraiya started throwing little cookies at Tsunade's chest, hoping they would get stuck in between her boobs.

"Cut it out! Do you know how hard it is to get crumbs out of there?"

"That's seriously the only thing that bothers you?" he asked. Meanwhile, Kiba and Akamaru went out the door and stepped back into Medieval land.

"There's the Tower!" Kiba said excitedly. When they finally reached the Tower, they were stopped by two guards at the door. They looked a lot like Shino and Lee. Actually, they were Shino and Lee.

"Halt," Shino said monotonously.

"I'm trying to rescue Princess Ino."

"You can't enter without taking a test first," Lee said.

"Test? Oh crap...I don't have a pencil. I shall go find one! Wait here," Kiba said before running back towards the town. He went to every shop, and not one had something he could use to write.

"If I can't find a pencil, I'll make one," Kiba said craftily. He went up to a large tree and took out a kunai. He then cut a large piece of bark out of it. After a while of whittling at it, it actually looked like a pencil...kind of.

"There!" he said proudly.

"How are you going to write with it?" Akamaru asked. Kiba looked at the tip of his home made pencil. There was no lead.

"Oh." So Kiba found a mine somewhere near the edge of the town and mined himself some kind of mineral. He trimmed it, jabbed a hole in the top of The Pencil, and jammed the little piece of mineral into it.

"There, done. This should work just fine."

"Eraser," Akamaru said.

"DAMMIT! Hey, do you have Mr. Chew Chew with you?" Kiba asked Akamaru.

"Yes. Why? You're...you're not gonna hurt him, are you?"

"Just give it." Akamaru eventually gave Kiba his beloved toy. He looked away as Kiba cut off a small chunk of the rubber bone. Getting the piece of dog toy to stay in The Pencil wasn't easy. Kiba had to cut a hole in the bottom of it and then jam the chunk as far into the hole as it would go.

"Ok," Kiba said tiredly. "Let's go take that test."

"We could've just used our pee," Akamaru suggested.

"No." They returned to the Tower, and Kiba showed Shino and Lee The Pencil. The eraser fell off.

"I'm ready to take the test now," Kiba stated as he happily held up The Pencil.

"Ok. Good. Although, you don't actually need a pencil. When we said test, we were talking about a drug test," Lee said. Kiba turned quite red, and steam could be seen coming out of his ears. He gripped The Pencil so hard it burst into several pieces.

"Pee! What now, son?" Akamaru gloated loudly.

"Ok, so just take this cup and-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know how it works." He was finishing his test when he overheard Shino and Lee arguing.

"You don't remember last night? You're...you're a poopy face!" Lee yelled.

"No, you're a poopy face!" Shino yelled back.

"Oh my god...you're both poopy faces...shut up." Kiba said, trying to hand them his cup.

"Whatever." Lee pouted.

"Can I go in now?" Kiba asked impatiently.

"No. We need to get the results," Shino said.

"So get the results."

"Can't. We're about to go on our lunch break," said Lee. They walked away and could be heard saying

"So, last night?" Shino asked.

"Never happened." Lee said with a wink.

"Great. Now I have to wait out here."

"Why don't you just sneak in? They're not here to stop you" Akamaru said.

"Oh." The two went inside. Princess Ino was nowhere in sight.

"Princess Ino?" Kiba called.

"Hello?" Princess Ino asked. Kiba looked around, but he still couldn't see her anywhere.

"Up here!" She called again. Kiba looked up. He saw her looking out a window in her Tower. There were no stairs, and no way to get to her.

"How am I supposed to get you out? How am I supposed to get up there? How did _you_ even get up there?" Kiba asked, confused by the situation.

"Well, there are 1,752 stairs...if there were any. I counted."

"Is there any other way to get to you?"

"There's an elevator down there somewhere. But it's broken." Kiba started hitting his head against the wall in his frustration. With each hit the Tower slid down a little.

"Keep doing that! It's making the Tower slide down. Guess it doesn't have very strong support," Akamaru said.

"I think I have a concussion," Kiba said after a few minutes of banging his head against the wall. The Tower was now half way down, and Ino leaned so far out the window that she actually fell out the window.

"I'll catch you!" said Kiba dopily as Ino screamed loudly. In his dizzied state, Kiba hadn't moved fast enough, and Ino landed on the ground in front of him.

"Ow! You said you'd catch me!" Ino yelled.

"I'm pretty sure I have brain damage, so my promises aren't exactly rock solid right now."

"Now my ass hurts. I'll just ride on your dog for the rest of the way to where ever we're going," Ino said as she stood up with a groan and kicked him in the shin.

"Wait, you're not going with us," Kiba said.

"Well, now that you've rescued me, we're supposed to get married. At least that's what all the manuals said..."

"What? Manuals? Marriage?" Kiba asked, wide eyed.

"Lets just get outta here," Akamaru said impatiently. Ino got up on Akamaru's back, and Kiba walked beside them. Before long, snow had covered every inch of the ground and Ino was very, very pregnant.

Kiba turned to look at her, and, noticing her large tummy, said "How the hell did that happen?"

Ino shrugged.

"Can we stop for the night? I'm cold and tired," she said. Seeing as it was cold and dark, and they were already in town, Kiba agreed. He went to the nearest inn to get a room. However, Kankuro the Inn Keeper insisted that the place was full, even though the only other people there besides him were Temari and the puppets.

"The place is empty, and you're saying you can't get us a room?"

Then Ino said "Uhm...I think my water just broke..."

"Can you do something before I become the birthplace of this baby?" said Akamaru nervously. Kiba looked at Kankuro.

"Alright. The best I can get you is the barn," Kankuro said.

"Thank you...I think," Kiba said before quickly leading Ino into the barn.

After two hours of pushing, screaming, yelling "I hate you!" at Kiba even though he wasn't the father, Ino's baby was born. And it looked just like Gaara.

"DAMN YOU GAARA!" Kiba yelled before snapping awake. He looked around. Ino lay next to him on the bed, and she was staring at him with a rather odd look.

"What?" he asked.

"A bad dream, I assume?" Ino said.

"Yeah, that's one word for it. Why?"

"You've been keeping me up all night. First, you were talking about buying magic beans, then you were yelling about ducks, and then you started screaming very loud and girlishly. And you kept saying 'The Pencil, The Pencil, The Pencil'. Then you peed...and you said something about poopy faces. And then you rolled off the bed and started hitting your head against the wall. I kicked you in the shin, but you didn't wake up. Then you were yelling about Gaara. Actually, you said his name a lot," Ino told him.

"Let me explain," Kiba said. So he told Ino all about his strange dream. When he'd finished, she nodded slowly.

"Kiba?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm pregnant," she said, looking him in the eyes.

"NOOOO!" Kiba yelled dramatically.

"It's yours, dumbass."

"Oh thank god...wait, what?!"


End file.
